New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Heart

broken-heart

Take heart dear girl

Your heart was broken

And yet, you found a way to love again

You didn’t realise

You didn’t think it possible

Your heart, so unguarded

A heart so tender and kind

Time to take your heart back

You are brave, so brave

You are special

You are different

heart, you will be whole again

 

 

 


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Good

When I think my heavy heart and soul will drag me down, I still find the good. The good things in a world that has grown more darker, selfish and sick. There is good. The message from a person telling you they are broken too. They are struggling too. The special moments with a person that you  love with all your heart. The fog covering the world outside. Walking in that fog and seeing the little droplets of water forming on your fringe. The moon shining bright and big. The feeling of accomplishment when your fingers play your favourite instrument. The escape you find in reading a book. The caring look in another’s eyes. The hugs, the kisses. The way someone touches you in a way that comforts you and tells you, you are important. Yes, even making myself vulnerable and opening up to another, even when they don’t recognise how much courage it takes.

There is still good in me. There is still good around me.


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F is for…

forgiveness

 

Friends & Family? Obvious choice, but no.  I am thankful for my capacity to forgive. I don’t hold grudges. I harbour no ill feelings towards others. I can get really angry, don’t get me wrong, but I always try to understand and even when friends tell me to walk away or give up, I will always forgive.

I don’t find it difficult. Maybe it’s a gift. Maybe it’s stupidity. Maybe even foolish and possibly detrimental to myself. Whatever the case might be, I will always forgive.
I have even forgiven my rapist.  Just like me, he also has to live with what he did. But not as the victim. He might have turned his life around. He might not. I would like to think the first is true. And if he has, he is feeling the guilt of what he did and he has to live with it for the rest of his life.

I forgive friends that don’t understand or lack the capacity to fully comprehend what I’m currently going through. It’s not their fault that they don’t understand.

I forgive the friends that have turned their backs on me. Yes, nobody knows my faults and short comings better than I do, therefore I can understand a friend reaching the point of not having the energy to deal with me anymore.

I forgive the ones I love the most, for hurting me the most, because I hurt them too. I forgive the words spoken in anger because I speak them too.

I’m thankful for my forgiving heart.


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Events

I started reading a book about self esteem. Reading it tonight my eyes were opened by the explanation of what self esteem is. Without quoting the entire book, it states that we assign value to events from our past and these values, influences how we see ourselves.

This is really the core of my self esteem problems. The thoughts I have with regards to events from my past and the value I’ve assigned to them. I just read a post that talks about acceptance and how thoughts and the state of mind you put yourself in, is not permanent but fleeting. Just a moment. How I feel now, but tomorrow there will be different thoughts and a new state of mind.

I seem to have started the really bad process of focusing on bad events from my past. Thoughts of these events. Replaying these events in my mind, like a kind of groundhog day movie mind experience.

But for every one bad event, there are a hundred good ones. There is! I have so many happy events to remember to help rebuild my thoughts. To get out of groundhog day and get to independence day! Will Smith is much cooler than Bill Murray, accept for Ghostbusters 🙂

Events I loved. Many many happy events growing up. Family reunions, holidays at the seaside. Graduating with my entire family there and a killer party with the cousins and friends afterwards. Being promoted to office manager and leading a large team of amazing people with whom I grew and came to love.  Receiving a reward for my work and leadership. Moving to a new country and discovering new cultures and ways of living. The birth of my daughter and how her face was the most beautiful, perfect thing I’d ever seen. Making decisions, hard decisions, but in the hope of a better life. Making friends that will be with me for the rest of my life. Being strong enough to accept where I am and that I need help.

These are the events that shaped me and are still shaping me. These are the events that I will focus on and build myself up again.

 

 

 


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Encourage

I’m good at helping people. I always have been. I’d like to think I encourage others, or used to at least.
Now it’s I who need encouragement. There is such a big difference between encouraging and trying to change a person.

I am very much misunderstood in that regard. When others try to tell me what to do, I block, I withdraw, I isolate. Maybe I’m stubborn. Maybe when you already think so little of yourself and someone points out how you need to change, it doesn’t encourage, it destroys.

There is not much left of my self image. I seem to lose little bits of it every day. More so recently than other times. It’s the many times I have been reminded that what I’ve invested in, I’m not good enough for. What I’ve given, is not enough. What if you gave everything you have and exposed yourself and made yourself vulnerable, only to be told you’re not special enough, not right enough. What then? You start to doubt yourself. Every time it happens, you doubt a bit more, until you doubt everything about yourself.

I’m building myself up from nothing. I know I’ll get there. I sometimes wish and hope for someone to hold my hand and help me through it. But that’s life. We are ultimately alone in it. So tougher than ever is how I will come out the other end.

Please encourage each other.


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Determination?

And here I am on the fourth letter of the alphabet. Determined. That’s a word I would have always always called myself.

I’ve always been determined to do my best, be the best Mum, be the best friend to others. But lately, I’m failing.

I read other stories on here. I see how people have had it much worse than I have or ever will. I see people overcoming and succeeding. I find friends no longer have patience or understanding. And I grow tired of explaining or trying or living.

I don’t want to be negative. It’s like an uncontrollable force within me. I see the beauty all around, but no longer inside me or even on the outside. My face, my body, my soul. Not ugly, but not beautiful either. No matter what people say, I don’t see it. Why? I don’t know. I wish I did.

So, determined I will try to remain. It’s somewhere, I hope, within me. Underneath the garbage and baggage and hurt and disappointment in myself.

I can’t help but cry for that girl I used to be. The one I lost. I guess I’m building a new me, but many more tears to cry, for how long does it take to mourn the loss of oneself.

Tomorrow is another day


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Sleep

Variation on the word sleep

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary

Margaret Atwood

I wasn’t well today and slept most of the day. Now I’m awake and I remember the above poem. I used to read a lot of poetry. In fact I looked forward to English class as a student so we could read and dissect another poem. Poems are powerful. They can invoke feelings or say things that speak to you in a clearer way than the directly spoken words people use when conversing.

The last paragraph. How beautiful, how powerful. Saying that you want to be as necessary to another’s life as air is, but at the same time, unnoticed. Unnoticed in that you don’t bring burden or effort, but that being with you, is effortless.

My poems have meaning too, but I am not as good at hiding the meaning within subtle alliterations and similes. It’s a way of expressing with words that which I can never say out loud. I had a dream today.  My Mum was standing next to my bed. Speaking urgently. I couldn’t hear. I kept asking how did she get here? It felt so real. She was trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t make out the words. Just recognised her voice.

Sleep, bitter sweet

Fleeting, yet hours have passed

 

Thoughts decide to overwhelm

When dreams wish to rule

A nightmare intrudes unexpectedly

A walk, a terror, a word

A scream that never resounds

A person standing next to your bed

Urgent message

Not intended to be heard

But felt, I did

What is the meaning of our dreams?

Merely a mirage of our deepest

hopes and fears

 

 

 

 

 


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New beginning

I don’t know why, but maybe it’s days of moping, crying and just being miserable, that’s finely taken it’s toll. I’ve decided it’s about time I get my act together and return to being ME!! One of the bloggers I follow has inspired me to start a challenge. Working through the alphabet and stating something I am proud of, grateful for etc. Basically shifting the focus from the negative the positive. I refuse to continue feeling so hopeless. And NOT because of a man, a job, a new house or new clothes / hairstyle, because I finally realised that the key to my happiness is within me, and ONLY ME!

So, starting with A. I’m proud and grateful for my Abilities.

I have so many abilities that makes me who I am. I have the ability to learn things super quick. It’s not just that “quick learner” comment to put on your CV; no, I pick things up pretty quickly. Especially in my job. I’m proud of it and it helps me stand out.

I have the ability to listen. To really listen to people. Feel and experience what they tell me. Don’t get me wrong. I can talk till the cows come home, but if a friend or stranger or my child needs me to listen, I listen. Most of the time, people just want to be heard. They don’t want the answers to all their questions, they just need to talk and get things off their chest. What a gift that is. And I’m happy to gift that to anyone that needs a sounding board, be it to vent or just to think out loud.

And then finally as I don’t want to inadvertently cover the whole alphabet when I’ve just stared with A,  I have the ability to love, unconditionally. I am definitely a lover, not a fighter. I don’t like discord. I know there can’t always be harmony, but if I tell you I love you, you will see it, experience it, know it. I love with my whole being, be that the love for a friend, family or that special someone.

Right, so I’ll be back tomorrow to talk about B 🙂

 

 

 

 


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Secret of life?

The secret of life are secrets
Who you share them with
Why you share them
When you share them

For we all need a release
We all need an outlet

Showing just one person
Who you really are

What breaks you
What mends you
The conflicts you struggle with
The comforts you long for

Tell one person
And your life becomes simpler

The storm inside calms
Life becomes lighter

I believe that truly sharing.
Exposing the hidden.
Reveals a new beginning

Feel. Need. Cry. Laugh.
With no fear
Don’t hide. But also don’t reveal to easily.

NEVER lose yourself

Expect nothing
Give without receiving
Don’t give up on people you truly care for
No matter how they treat you
They are fighting their own demons

Everyone is struggling with a secret
Still left hidden, needing to be shared


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Calm

wp_20161126_14_30_10_pro

Today I visited the coast. I hardly spoke today. Maybe a laugh here a word or two there. I spent the day contemplating. What I’ve become. How I’ve become.
The sea speaks to me. It’s the part of nature that makes me feel more alive than any person can.

And then, standing on that treacherous cliff top, looking down at the sea, relentlessly smashing into the side of the cliffs, I found my peace. My safe place.

I have not seen anything so beautiful since May. The sun ignited the grass and turned it into pure gold. The sea, the bluest of blue colour. The sound of waves crashing into rocks. The smell of the salty air, hitting my face and making my hair curl :). The warm feeling inside, contrasted with the cold on my cheeks. The taste of my tears as they touch my lips on their way down.

All five senses, in overdrive. I left a bit of myself there today. I threw down the cliff, into the sea. In return, I’m taking a lot of myself back home with me.

I am happy. I am free… free from wanting to be something I could never be. I only want to be me. Embrace myself. Live again. Without fear.