New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

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My flower


No-one can love me now
Shattering realisation of time lost
My body reverberates from the cost
Don’t fall in love with me
You will only get hurt
I can never be yours, never my own
I am the poison that will take your life
I am the addiction with no respite

Walk away and leave me here

But then the flower blooms in the snow
The desert rose blooms with hardly any moisture
The flower that only blooms when consumed by fire
The rare flower that blooms once in a lifetime

I am a rare exotic flower
I’ll bloom only in the harshest of circumstances
Waiting for the right gardener
The right nuances
Will it be air, water or fire
The man that sees the desire

It will take a special man
One that recognises the unrecognisable

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We all experience loss at some stage of our lives
The loss can be sudden, or gradual; both equally distressing and profound in its effect on our life.
The death of a loved one or a pet. The end of a relationship. Relationships can end gradually resulting in days, weeks, months or even years of anxiety, confusion, unhappiness, unhealthy obsession and regret leading up to the ultimate demise of the partnership. One party in a relationship will always feel more loss than the other. This is inevitable in the relationships that are doomed to end. The reason for this is the imbalance of commitment. Only when both parties are equally committed to the relationship, will it stand a chance to last or at least bring joy and happiness to both  involved.
There always seem to be a new relationship around the corner for most, or time can heal, or rebound love or obsessing over something new, often in the form of an addiction. We eat, we drink, we smoke, we shop.
I am angry. I am angry that what I protected and cherished was taken and lost and no amount of time or begging with the powers that be, or crying, or mourning or anger can restore it.
I was saving myself for the right one and because it was taken against my will, I started giving myself away. To the boy that didn’t really care, to the boy that had no self confidence, to the man that denied his identity his whole life. To the men that have no respect for women. To the man that can’t commit. To the man that doesn’t understand his own heart. I’m easy now. I don’t value my sexuality. It  has slowly but surely devalued over time until it has become something I give away without thought or fear of the consequences. There is one I long to give myself to, truly give myself to. Will he appreciate it? Will he truly understand the passion I harbour in my body, soul, mind…
Please, please let me not give in vain anymore. Show me mercy

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When you hurt

When you hurt, you hurt alone

I’m hurting, I’m hurting.

Alone, always alone

No one can share the hurt with me
They can’t climb under my skin
Merge their thoughts with mine
Feel the ache I feel
No one can truly understand what is killing me from the inside out

Hurting is a lonely experience
Reserved for the one that’s hurting
Open myself… wide open
But it doesn’t help, it doesn’t want out
What can extract the pain?
What instrument is best for this task?
I am searching for a method
I need a hurt surgeon

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My heart


your heart

I have not written for a while. I almost feel guilty, I’ve let myself down. Through my writing I unravel my thoughts and myself. Picking them apart so I can clearly read and understand them.

My biggest life hurdle by far is coping with feelings and thoughts that I’m not prepared for, the ones that just ‘pops’ into my head when I least expect them. The feelings I didn’t even know I was feeling until they overwhelm me. They overwhelm, I react…bad or good, but because of all the life changing elements I have to deal with at the moment, mostly bad.

I need to rein myself back in. I give in to my feelings and I give in too easily.

There are three people in my life that have a major impact on my life. I trust them with my life and I’m not one of them.

One will always be there. Through the storms, the calm, the confusion, the clarity, she’ll be there. Forever…I find a comfort in that. She’s my best friend.

One is the wisest person I know. Full of life experience, broken and healed, lost and rediscovered. He too will always be there. I take comfort in that.

Then there is the one I can not write about. My thoughts too intimate, too intense to express. I lack the words, the english language does not possess the words. Unraveling us is not necessary right now. I embrace it for what it is and take comfort in it.

My thoughts do not define me. I am the person looking in at these thoughts; commenting and reflecting on them. Sometimes I go in too deep and I’m lost in them until they overwhelm me. Perspective can only be achieved when I remain outside of my thoughts. This is how I’ll trust myself again, trust myself with my feelings, dreams, happiness and most importantly, my heart. My heart deserves my utmost care and protection. It must not be given away to the first one that shows interest. I need to see the wood for the trees. Stop giving too much attention to the details and recognize what’s important in each situation. My heart is mine, and mine alone. I can’t let it be crushed and abused. It’s my biggest asset! From it flows my joy, my love, my pain and hurt.


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Love yourself




The good

From the moment I woke up this morning I made a conscious decision not to be negative today. As a result, I felt no pressure to be a certain way or to do and act a way that would impress others. I was able to relax and experience the day, even if work was a little stressful, I felt an inner calm. I decided to listen to people and spoke to various colleagues. I really listened and found joy in experiencing them as people and individuals, listening to them and truly appreciating them. People can sense when you really see them, and they respond. In a good way.

There is goodness in everyone. Some are just better at repressing their goodness than others. I suppressed my negativity today and it felt good. I felt gentle and soft; feminine. Not harsh, out of control or verging on losing control of my emotions. If this is what a positive attitude can accomplish, I’m looking forward to tomorrow for the first time in a long time.

When I arrived home I struggled to hold  on to the positive although I never gave in to negative. As if my friend sensed my moment of weakness from afar, he sent me the above picture. It truly made my day. I’m not the most beautiful woman to have ever walked this planet, nor do I think I’m the most amazing, but I know I’m on the right path now to unlock my potential. I will love and give unconditionally, therefore not expecting it in return. I’m starting to love myself again. Just enough; not too much and never too little again.


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Continuity…or STOP

I am always a different man; a reinterpretation of the man I was yesterday, and the day before, and all the days I have lived. The past is gone, was always gone; it does not exist, except in memory, and what is memory but thought, a copy of perception, no less but no more replete with truth than any passing whim, fancy, or other agitation of the mind. And if it is actions, words, thoughts that define an individual, those definitions alter like the weather – if continuity and pattern are often discernible, so are chaos and sudden change.”
Author: K.J. Bishop

When I read the word continuity I immediately think of it in a business sense. All businesses have a continuity plan that ensures the continuation of business as usual should some extraordinary event create such chaos that business can’t continue as ‘normal’. This made me wonder, how am I doing in that regard because a number of extraordinary events in a very short space of time has led me here, where I’m sat in front of my laptop, today.  I am desperately trying to to re-connect with myself and identifying who I am and where I’m going with my life. Is the past, and re-connecting with a happier me, the key?

The thoughts

I used to be happiest on my own. I’m an only child so had many ways of entertaining myself. The only downfall is that I’m really skilled at conversing with myself. I have regular monologues and have to concentrate really hard not to talk to myself in public places. In front of close friends and family I don’t hold back. They are used to my monologues. I have however noticed that I can be pretty destructive towards myself during these.  Years of negative input has definitely taken its toll. A very good friend told me to keep a diary of the good. This is what I’m aiming to do, starting today. I want the good thoughts to come back and slowly but surely start to banish the negative thoughts.


My actions have not been very proactive the last couple of months. I used to do and create a lot of positive things, but lately my actions are impulsive and instinct driven, primal. I can’t continue giving in to my primal instincts and just breathing, eating and existing day in and day out. I need to start doing the things I love again. I’m going to draw up an action plan and stick to it. This has to stop! Now, today. If it doesn’t I’m heading for a mental breakdown and I can’t afford it. I’m stronger than all the negativity I convince myself of. Positive actions from now on!


The words I speak without thinking…they hurt people. I can’t continue to hurt people with my words when I’m hurting. The worst is, I only do this with people I really care for. My best friends, my daughter, my family. I have some really bad passive aggressive tendencies and I know for a fact I never used to be like this. In fact, I was usually the person being hurt by others through their words. I was verbally bullied for five years in high school, my Mom is very good at dishing out the bad words and then there’s me. I am always telling myself off.  Words can truly make or break a person. I need to find another way to vent my anger and pent up frustrations.

Exercise is where I’ll start. Instead of sitting and moping, I’m going to start walking and hoping 🙂 Spring is almost here and that brings new life and hope. I’m going to let this spring be my new beginning, and no reversing or looking back. I’m going to stop living in the past and worrying about the future. One day at a time, one step at a time