Feeling the calm after the storm
My body relaxed, soaking in the serenity
My mind not troubled, thinking clearly
My feelings under control, no turmoil
Balanced and focused I face the world
Category Archives: Thoughts
Moment of weakness
The past rears its ugly head when I’m weak
It wants to swallow me whole
I’m fighting forever fighting
Denying, how long will I deny myself
I forgot so much of the good, but the bad is vivid
Every day I run, trying to pretend, trying to free myself
Painted black, I’m black of the blackest ocean
The darkness of the past like a black hole consuming the light
I want to stop, I want to collapse, I want to give up
Strength from somewhere good still keeping me afloat
I long to be free from my past
Treat me well
I’m months away from being officially single again. I’m reading a book about dating as I don’t think I have a clue how to protect myself from the pitfalls of love. I’m most definitely not going to let myself be hurt over and over again. It’s the only thing I seem to be good at. Getting hurt. Of course that doesn’t mean I need a relationship. I have so many friends that truly cares for me, I know I’ll be OK without romantic love in my life. I have my moments of weakness, but don’t we all. It’s how I deal with it that’s important but that’s a whole different blog entry 🙂
According to this book I need to make a list of how I would like to be treated and any man that doesn’t treat me that way needs to be cut off.
Being treated well, what does it mean to me.
I really had to think about this. I’ve never ever thought about this before becoming attached to a man. This means I’ve never put my needs first in any of my relationships. I just thought myself lucky to be liked and loved and that was enough.
So, I need to list at least five things I deem as being treated well
One: Show his affection through actions, words and touch.
Two: Spend time doing things I enjoy doing even if it’s not what he would choose to do as a norm
Three: Respect my values and beliefs and most importantly, me
Four: Listen to me when I talk especially when I don’t require a response. Just need someone to listen
Five: Taking control and not letting me manage. I dominated all the men I’ve had relationships with. I want to be gently but firmly led for a change. I want to trust him
Anger
How does it feel to feel nothing
You have been lied to
And now you lie too
When you wake up and realize what you lost
I’ll be gone
But now I’m just angry
Because you will be used again
You will get hurt again
I’m the one letting go
And you’re the one that will end up alone
I’m angry that you can’t see
The cracks could have been history
Instead stay in your past
Drown in it and stay there
I’m left broken hearted
I’m left unable to breath
I’m left with memories that won’t fade
I’m left asking why I’m not good enough
I’m angry with myself
You will no longer define me
Time
Time, it’s a constant. You can’t stop, rewind or fast forward it. Why then do we wish time away when we’re looking forward to something or try and make it slow down when we’re enjoying the moment or the magic moments when we want to stop time and live in that moment forever.
If I could rewind time I would go back and do things completely different. I hear people saying that if they had to do it all over again, they would do it the same way. I wouldn’t. It’s called regret.
I would like to fast forward time so I can see if I do learn from my mistakes. Do I get the life I dream of? Do I wake up happy, not wealthy or driving a nice car or with a model man standing next to me, but am I happy?
That’s the beauty of the present. I can do things now that starts me on the path to my dreams.
I don’t want to look back in ten years time and experience the same feelings of regret I have now.
In this moment I am in control of my destiny. Not in the past or future, only right here, right now.
The Piano
My fingers strike the keys
Gentle, harder, louder, softer
My soul connects with the black and white keys
88 keys to unlock me
As my hands move, I feel the stirs of passion
I’m lost in the composers’ creation
It fills me with joy & hope
Each piece becomes my own interpretation
My love for this instrument mends the cracks
I’m whole again, one with the melody
Timeless and limitless
I want to live, I want to love
Tears
Tears that burn like acid
Leaving deep lines on your face
Bitter sweet tears you taste for a while
Tears that run like rivers between your soul and your heart
Tears that fall when you least expect them
A single tear that falls solo before you stop the rest
Tears you cry alone and no one sees
Invisible tears that you hide from the world because you have to be strong
Tears you don’t hold back and they cleanse your soul
Tears you share with others because you feel their pain
Tears you let loved ones see because they need to know you’re human
The tears I don’t want to cry anymore
Tears over past events
Tears in matters I have no control over
Tears for people that don’t appreciate me
Tears for men that uses me
Tears of anger
Tears of regret
Tears because I think I’m not good enough
Tears that tears us apart
My flower
No-one can love me now
Shattering realisation of time lost
My body reverberates from the cost
Don’t fall in love with me
You will only get hurt
I can never be yours, never my own
I am the poison that will take your life
I am the addiction with no respite
Walk away and leave me here
But then the flower blooms in the snow
The desert rose blooms with hardly any moisture
The flower that only blooms when consumed by fire
The rare flower that blooms once in a lifetime
I am a rare exotic flower
I’ll bloom only in the harshest of circumstances
Waiting for the right gardener
The right nuances
Will it be air, water or fire
The man that sees the desire
It will take a special man
One that recognises the unrecognisable
When you hurt
When you hurt, you hurt alone
I’m hurting, I’m hurting.
Alone, always alone
No one can share the hurt with me
They can’t climb under my skin
Merge their thoughts with mine
Feel the ache I feel
No one can truly understand what is killing me from the inside out
Hurting is a lonely experience
Reserved for the one that’s hurting
Open myself… wide open
But it doesn’t help, it doesn’t want out
What can extract the pain?
What instrument is best for this task?
I am searching for a method
I need a hurt surgeon
A Dream
How I long for you and only you. Every minute spent without you feels empty. Thoughts of you fill me with equal measures of bliss and dread. When will life draw us together instead of pulling us apart? Thoughts of you occupy my days and haunt my nights. How can I break free, stop the fall. I give you cups of hurt and teaspoons of happiness. I run and push you away. I’m sure I’m letting you in, but walls are going up again. You expose me and hide yourself. Our worlds are the same but refuse to coexist.
Run away with me. Let’s find a place we can start from scratch. A place by the sea where the wind will blow our sorrows and negative thoughts away. Where the sand will crumble under our feet like the walls around our hearts.
New Beginnings 