you appear when there’s light
only an outline
of a man
nothing inside the lines
you think outside the lines
hand held up to the sun
you hide behind
always there
forgotten but attached
at night you can’t be seen
invisible
you convince her
you left
but you’re observing
waiting
waiting
for the light
Soft pale moonlight
Filtering through my window
I stare at the black and grey
I get up and make my way to a familiar place
I find it without trying, so well I know it
Soft white, dark black contrast
My mind doesn’t think
My fingers know
I play with the moon shining on my back
Nothing brings more joy to my soul
Chopin, Liszt, Rachmaninoff, Tchaikovsky
And Debussy
Clair de lune by moonlight
Eternal night I wish for
To play and never stop
This way my soul forever content
My thoughts forever at peace
Happy on the inside
Sad on the inside
Controlled sad
Not consuming me
Not emotionally debilitating.
Controlled;
Artificially for now
Ripped apart connection
Another scar to live with
Controlled sadness aches
A dull ache in the centre
of my being
A cure there is not
Only a control
The controlled sense of loss
The logic to recognise that
What’s been lost through this degree of hurt
Can never be recovered again
Controlled I live
A person I’ll never see again
A person I’ll never hear again
A person I’ll never hug again
A person I’ll never laugh with again
One I’ll never go exploring with again
One I’ll never experience the new with again
One I’ll try to forget every day
One I’m forced to sever all ties with, again
I didn’t lose him to death
I lost him to life
Would death hurt any less?
Maybe
Maybe not
This is what losing a friend
Feels like
Today there is a place I long to be
Home…
Home with my family
Mum’s cooking
Dad’s stories of childhood
I go outside in search of my canine friend
We play till we’re tired
The lush grass inviting us to rest
My head resting on her tummy
My hand stroking her head
Looking up at the blue sky
Shaping the clouds to my thoughts
Peaceful Sunday
Not a worry in the world
Sunday is the loneliest day of them all
the hidden thoughts
I hide from myself
how do I stop them
from sneaking up?
I cry no more
dry as sand
no way to let it out
therefore I write
I want to forget the truths
hidden amongst the lies
the disgust
hidden behind a meaningful touch
weeding out the bad
remember the reason
i was always sad
why do the good
always outshine the bad?
I used to play you
every day, every free minute
twenty three years you stood
in my living room
moved fifteen times
never broken
never false
I hear the sound
I see the stains
on your keys
behind closed eyes
how i loved your colours
how i made you sing
forever my amputated fingers
will play in a key of U
can I say anything
that will bring correction
built to strive
made to withstand
uncommon ground
views polarised
connect we shall
truth can not be buried
rise to meet
the air that breathes you
the door opens
a passage long and narrow
I see him
walking towards me
a spark inside
glitter falls up
into my mouth
dimples tweak my cheeks
eyes aglow with fire
a smile from the inside out
Happiness my old friend!
Where have you been?
So long since I last felt you
I dug a hole and
called it Love!
A created a world and
called it You!
I dug a grave and
marked it Me!
I closed up the holes
and destroyed a world
On an island
A shipwrecked body
Many happy memories
Many bad habits
Countless inner reflections
An infinity of hope
Sails made from happiness
I build my boat
This is how I begin again
New Beginnings 