New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Cry my beloved country

It’s been a strange week. A family member of mine was brutally murdered this week. Such a brutal act of hate. I have been struggling to come to terms with it. I feel so numb. I am on strong medication and even crying seems impossible at the moment. My parents have cried every day this week when I spoke to them. And I, I don’t know what to say, how to deal with it.

I have often wished for the ability not to feel and experience emotions this last year of my life and now that it seems my wish has been granted, I am horrified by my ability to continue as normal when the rest of my family is in mourning.

Yet another funeral I will be missing because I’m too far away from home and air travel is too expensive.

I can’t help but wonder when it will be my parents. When will the violent country that I originate from, claim them as victims too.

For the first time, in a long time, I wish I could cry. Cry for a mother torn from her family in a violent way. Scarred and hurt beyond recognition by two men with nothing but hate in their hearts.

Cry my beloved country, cry.

 


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My friend the wind

 

wind

I’m listening to the wind

they say it howls

but what if it sings?

I remember running

Feeling the wind play with my hair

Walking on a beach

The wind turning small grains of sand

into stinging insects

Thunder in the distance

No wind…calm…and then

the wind comes to life

it carries the smell of rain

Till you feel each sweet drop on your face

A face turned into the wind

Smiling, loving, cherishing

That, which no-one can control

The wind blows the dust away

It cleanses

A wind has swept through my soul

I believe in that which can not be seen

And yet…

The results are so visible

 

 


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Happy Days

friedrichnietzsche1

How little did I understand. Did I really forget so easily? How simple it is to be happy? From within, with myself. Wonderful, Beautiful, Gorgeous

That is me and nothing and nobody can change that – should be allowed to change it.

It’s been said so many times, but it’s true. The secret is to find that happy inside. Others compliment and enrich my life, but I am back in control. No longer out of control. No longer outside, looking in, shaking my head.

I had a very emotional counseling session a week ago. Not because I had to relive the hurt and pain. No, because I remembered what I used to be like, felt like. The innocence. The naive sweet dreams I had. The trusting smiling young girl. Innocence that was lost, in one moment. I lingered here. Crying. Crying once again. Then she said, you are brave. And I realised – I am. Damn straight I am! I’m a fighter for goodness sake!!

I have no doubt that life will keep challenging me. I wouldn’t expect anything less. But I’m ready. I’m standing on my own two feet. No longer seeking others to depend on, to trust, to keep standing.  And yes, I will need my friends, and I will seek their comfort; for true friendship is a rare and beautiful thing. True acceptance of another human being is a gift. I love my close friends. They are a part of me as much as my family is. They know me inside out. They accept me. My darkness and madness. They cherish me for my kindness, loyalty and honesty. I treasure them for their inner beauty and uniqueness, for making me smile, for enriching my life.

 

 


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Chaos theory

 

butterfly-effect

 

Unpredictable

Highly sensitive to initial

conditions

Chrysalis requires dark

Without darkness, no wings

no colour

And then

Chaos is the butterfly (effect)

Chaos makes me fly

Prediction, impossible

No random events required

No way of calculating

the result

accurately

Strange atractors

Strange repellers

 

 

 

 

 


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Fire breather

He breathes life into me
Hot, fiery breath
I’m consumed by the flames
I love the burning, I want to burn
Desire takes control
I’m weak, no resistance
I go to a place of pleasure
Fireworks go off in my head
My body shudders
This is ecstasy
I try to draw him closer
He is only hot air
He has no heart
I try to reason with him
He has no mind
He is but an empty husk
The fire burns my soul now
It’s burning me away
My heart turns to ash
I have no heart left
I become a fire breather


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Pig circus

You charm, you disarm
Everyone thinks you’re so kind
I fall under your spell
It’s the gateway to hell
I care, I even love
I lay myself bare
I give you my body, I open my mind
You say it’s not enough
I give you my heart
You say it’s a waste of my time
I try to leave, I’m in too deep
You show me just enough kindness
I hold onto the little bit of goodness
You refuse to believe
Instead you retreat
You recoil; you lift my hand from your body
Like it’s dirty
You refuse to kiss me, I even beg
You behave like a pig
I still love you


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Love

 

mother-daughter

I have wondered many many many times what love is. What is it really? How do you know you love, truly love, someone.

I found the answer in my daughter. You see, I’m very certain, with her more than any other person, that I love her.  I look back and try to see how this love came about.

First, there was the bond or connection. It wasn’t love it was a bond. A child / mother bond. Seeing this little helpless baby, so dependent on you, you start to care. I cared about her needs. I fulfilled her needs. Then she started becoming more dependent. First walking, then running! I had to give her room to explore and discover things for herself. She then developed her own thoughts and her own mind. She started making choices. I guided, but never forced. I explained or let her see the consequences of actions. Be it good actions or bad. I made sure she understood respect from a young age. I built foundations for her. Foundations she can turn to when I’m not around. I taught her about courage when faced with difficult situations. I support her. I don’t know at which point I loved her, but it wasn’t something I had to think about. I just know.

Therefore, love is to me:

A connection

A sense of being needed

A place where there is space for yourself to be yourself

An emotion built on strong foundations of respect & trust

A gift of unconditional support

A feeling that grows over time, without working at it, or trying to create it.

Love happens slowly. Lust happens fast.

Once you truly love someone, it’s almost impossible to stop.

 

 


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Fear

run away
freeze
stand up and face

the jolt in your stomach
pushing up in your chest

when a fear becomes reality
it’s not a dream
it’s not a thought
it’s no longer a fear

How do you react?
is there a right or wrong way?

where do you hide your fear?
do you speak your fear?

my fears ruled me
for a very long time

no more
fear is a liar


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Shadowman

you appear when there’s light
only an outline
of a man
nothing inside the lines
you think outside the lines
hand held up to the sun
you hide behind
always there
forgotten but attached
at night you can’t be seen
invisible
you convince her
you left

 
but you’re observing
waiting
waiting
for the light


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A slow start

Woke up to the beautiful sound of rain this morning. Heavy rain. I looked outside and the day is grey and white. I love rainy days!

I went on a second date last night. How refreshing to be in the presence of a gentleman. To be called a lady. It’s amazing how when a woman is treated right, her most beautiful side starts to come out.

I feel light today and looking forward to work this week. I’m starting to love my work and what I do again. I can feel the stirrings of passion for my life returning. I’m starting to love this sense of independence and clarity of thought. I don’t want to rush into things. I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of my past. Most of all, I want my daughter to continue growing into the beautiful young girl she is becoming. She is the most important life in my world.

It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.