I came across an old email by chance today. It brought back memories of a time lost; or that’s how it feels now…but can time really be lost? No. Every moment of my life brought me to where I am right now. Take any of it away and things won’t be exactly as they are now. How can you appreciate the warmth of the summer sun, if you didn’t endure and survive the bitter cold of the winter first?
it was winter when I first felt love again
my awakening new
but ’tis was not love
it was hope and promise
winter became spring
and spring, summer
sweet wind blew
and we were
scorched by the summer sun,
cooled by the autumn rain
a harvest of discontent
and ruby blood stained the
bright white snow
snow melted slow and painful
little bits of me
melting away too
an echo remained
one from far away
a voice calling me home
home; place of rest
place of peace and comfort
place of safety
dwelling of tranquillity
a heart, bigger than mine
I didn’t know…
I didn’t know
how could I?
is it always unexpected?
sweet spring blooms
in my heart
I want to cherish it
I want to hold it dear
a beautiful flower
unfolding in the warmth
of the loving sun’s arms
love, passion, want, feeling complete, feeling cherished and special
I went out Friday night, dinner and dancing. Bottle of red, cocktails, happy drunk. I don’t drink often. I also know my limits. Happy drunk is the perfect point between too little and too much 🙂
Kissing in a dark corner of the club. Dancing to 90s rock and singing along to songs from my younger days, till I had no voice left. Just a big happy smile.
How I longed to be with someone that will take me dancing. I love dancing, I love music.
And I found him. Tall, big, manly man that makes me feel tiny in his arms. Twirling me, dipping me, kissing me, loving me.
Lazy Saturday, sleeping, cuddling, just being. Laughing… a lot! Every time he makes me laugh, I want to melt into him. The way he holds my stare for minutes on end. Beautiful brown eyed boy with perfect lips, perfect nose. I see the love in his eyes. I feel the love in his kiss. He makes me feel sensual, sexy, alive. How I wish I could bottle this feeling. I’d be a millionaire.
After what seems like a lifetime, I’m back. No words came to me, but once again they woke my slumber. I feel as if I’ve woken from a long sleep filled with some nightmares, but mostly quiet peaceful reflective rest. The question to one of my biggest worries has been answered and I’m truly present once more.
I’m hungry for rejuvenation. I’m content in my own skin. I’m happy with those I have in my life right now. I want for nothing but to fill the paths I cross with happiness.
I see, I feel, I touch, I share, I regret no more. I am normal…within my normal.
Maybe it’s the beautiful cent of spring blossoms in the air. Maybe it’s the promise of life that spring brings. Mostly it’s forgiving myself for my past…truly forgiving myself.
It’s been such a long time since I wrote…anything! My life is busy and great again. I find it difficult to write when I’m not sad or struggling with something or the other.
It appears I’m experiencing a sadness hiatus which is a big change from last year.
Currently I’m seeing a really great guy. Wow, it’s only when you are treated the way you deserve to be treated that you realise how bad and selfish someone else treated you in the past. It’s so refreshing and safe.
Two deaths in Feb did remind me once again of how precious life is and how it’s so easy to lose sight of this through the hustle and bustle of every day life. The other aspect that death always highlights to me is that people are never told half the things while they’re still alive than what is said at their funeral. Isn’t this so strange? I try to tell my loved ones how much I appreciate and love them as often as possible. I even did a little experiment and wrote an obituary to my closest friends and family and I try now to tell them these things. When they die, I can use the same obituary but stating that i told them all of this while they were alive and well.
Sometimes…sometimes…sometimes when you can’t say it. When words escape and you need to let it out, somehow music comes to help. Lyrics that speak so true, you can almost remember writing them yourself in your dreams. Tonight I have no words, but I have this song. This song is me. The piano so beautiful, soulful, sad. The words…so true..so applicable so beautiful and innocent. A song about my soul with sound that no words can express. I have become something I can’t express anymore
You are what they call the human season
You are all the alphabet in one
You are every colour of confusion
You are all the silence I’ve become
Love me for
I like those most
Damn the angry voice that keeps us quiet
The editor whose work is never done
Keeping pretty words between my teeth and
Sweet confessions underneath my tongue
Do I let you in
This is my invitation
But how do I begin?
She has such an awful lot of soldiers
Quite a lovely army all her own
Night and day they stand before the fortress
Very safe but very all alone