New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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Just when I think…

I’m OK

No, I’m not. It hurts. It really does. When you get badly hurt, and I mean broken hurt, it’s not easy to see past the hurt. I have good days, or maybe hours, and then it will just hit me. An awful sense of melancholy. Why am I so weak?

My introduction to sex was a traumatic one. It has repercussions.  I never had therapy, in fact I kept it a secret from everyone accept my best friend at the time. I felt too ashamed and I didn’t want anyone to know that I was now damaged goods.  My first boyfriend, a year after I was raped, was a really gentle and kind boy. I thought I would struggle to have sex with him, but in fact, I couldn’t sleep with him quick enough. I already thought that this would be the way to keep him attached to me. After 5 years we got married. Little did I know that unresolved, hidden and denied events can leave scars you don’t know about until your are in the wrong situation, like feeling trapped. On my honeymoon I had my first panic attack. I couldn’t have sex with him. I faked illness and we cut the honeymoon short from a week to only two days. I could literally not breath. I needed to go home.

It  is no surprise that this marriage lasted one year. First divorce. It took about six months for the divorce to go through the courts, in which time I had two affairs. One with a man I worked with, the other with the man I’m married to today. My husband and I had a very sexual start to our relationship and I think it would have ended eventually, but I became pregnant and we decided to get married. Giving natural birth to our child broke me again…in the same place I was broken before. It’s difficult for me to say this, but I used to catch myself looking at her when she was a little baby and thinking, you took my womanhood away. I didn’t want to have sex. I didn’t want to ever have sex again. Thankfully, these thoughts toward my child stopped soon after she was born and I love my child more than life itself. I hope she will never have to go through what I have. Every girl dreams about her first time, who it will be, if he will love her, will it hurt?

This is when I became asexual. I had no sex. Simple as that. My husband accepted it and we  both just plodded along. To our friends and family we seemed happy. I think we even thought we were happy. Our child became our distraction and and we poured all our time and energy into her. She will be loved.

Maybe I’m still grieving for my virginity that was taken so wrongfully. Maybe I still mourn for that innocent girl that was violated and denied the joy of sharing her first encounter with a man that really loved her. Will the sadness ever go away. Will I ever feel whole again? Am I good enough to be loved for more than just my sex?

 

 

 

 


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Happiness

What is real happiness?

This question has been plaguing me for the last couple of months. Almost all of my friends have asked me this question “What do you want?” The truth is, I don’t know. How about, I want to be happy and feel content. Will I be happy if I finally end my marriage? Or find love with another man? Or have enough sex? Or maybe my hormones are playing a mind trick on me? I read that woman in their late thirties and early forties experience the same sex drive as young 16 to 18 year old men in their sexual prime. I call it ‘The remaining egg’ syndrome.  Yes apparently my body’s need to procreate and get one of these last eggs fertilized is the reason for my sex drive. Which begs the question, will I go back to ‘normal’ in a couple of months or maybe years? I look at young couples around me and I find myself thinking, is she going to change when she gets to my age? I don’t remember this happening with my Mum…well if it did she hid it really well!

What do I want? I think we all want to love and be loved in return. Surely, everyone wants to be loved. But love really hurts too. I broke my husbands’ heart. Even though I don’t feel guilty about my actions, I feel bad for hurting him. I might not be sexually attracted to him, but he has been in my life for the past 14 years. I care for him and hurting him does hurt me. Can I really be happy knowing that I ruined another person? I know, he will not always hurt as much as he is hurting right now, but do I really have the right to make another person that committed to me feel like this?  Can I find happiness based on his unhappiness?

Does happiness always equal love though…I don’t think so, but I do think that happiness is a much more intense feeling when it is accompanied by love.

 


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Friends

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Best friends

Friends, true friends, are really rare but when you have them you are truly blessed. I have five best friends. They all know what I’ve been through and they have always been there for me. One of my friends, in her thirties, is still a virgin. I found it really difficult to talk to her about my experiences, but still, she gave me such good advice. She paid half of my trip to the coast and in a way, she is the innocence I need to hang on to. I think we all have a little bit of our childlike innocence that we carry with as adults. Children sees the world so pure and uncomplicated. Sometimes I think the best thing to do is un-complicate the situation. Go back to the basics.

Friend number two is much younger than me but we have so much in common. She is going through many of the things I am going through regarding guys with the only exception, she is single and in the prime of her life. She believes in soul mates and “the one”. Something I don’t believe in. There is no such thing, but she keeps saying, he will find you. You don’t need to look for him, he will find you. She is also so wise when it comes to men and relationships. She gets the whole cyber world and all the texting and dating “rules”. The rules I have no idea about and seem to break on a regular basis!

Friend number three. He works with me and really ‘gets’ me. We share similar traumatic experiences in life and he knows what it is to battle depression and anxiety. He is the male friend that helps me when I feel most depressed. He’s been there and he knows what to say to get my thoughts back on track. So many times I’ve text him at silly ‘o clock and he is always there for me. I can tell him anything and everything and he doesn’t judge me. Everyone needs a friend like him.

Friend number four. She is a bit older than me and when my troubles started, I confided in her first. What shocked me was that she in return confessed that she had been having an affair for the last six years with one man, whom I know very well. It was a revelation. She kept it so well hidden and she said she had been dying to tell me, but she was worried about my reaction. Needless to say, it’s good to have a friend that is sort of in the same boat as you are. The difference being, my husband knew I was being unfaithful. Hers is blissfully unaware. We all have secrets.

Friend number five. I only met him recently, but there was an instant connection between us. I’m not really myself on these websites, but with him, I can totally be myself and he understands me. He is very wise and I confided my catfish experience in him. It was amazing how he immediately spotted this man for what he is. The perspective he gave me on my December encounter has helped me tremendously and is invaluable. He makes me think that maybe there is such a thing as fate. How I managed to meet him amongst all the other men, what are the chances? I know we’ll be friends for life.

 

 


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Recovery

Will I ever be the same again?

End of December I went away, alone for a couple of days. I needed to recover. What happened turned my world upside down. I didn’t trust anyone. I wanted to hate and be hated. I said some pretty awful things to my best friend in an attempt to lose everything. I hated myself for being so naive and making myself so vulnerable. I realized that when it comes to men, I have no self-control. I do not think rationally and way too emotionally. To have an emotional tie with someone severed so suddenly and without any closure really messed with my emotions, thoughts and heart. My heart was broken, it still is.I didn’t know how to recover. I didn’t think anything could “fix” me.

I love the seaside so decided to go to the coast. Long walks along the coastline helped, but I still cried. Crying had become a daily thing and sometimes so unexpected. I’d be driving and suddenly I’d just start crying.  A song on the radio would bring tears. My life is a mess. I started thinking that therapy is the only way. I started digging around on the internet. Looking for answers. How to get over an emotional affair. How to recover after a break up. How to spot a liar and how to tell someone is lying to you. This is how I found out about sociopaths. I didn’t even know people like this existed. How can anyone be like that? How do you become like that? This was the first time I started feeling closure. Do I really want to continue thinking about someone that are most probably a sociopath? No! I started feeling better.

What NOT to do

I was feeling better and decided to block, delete and stop contact with all the men I had met along the way. Yes, Mr Rich was still in my life. We had decided to be friends and he is very wise and helped me a couple of times with some really good advice. We are still friends, but only friends. Mr Rocks was also still talking to me on and off. He still wanted to have sex with me again, but I told him I can’t and that I need to sort myself out. He is also married and I decided, no more married men. A good woman does not sleep with a married man. Phone sex guy was also still in the picture, but not for long. I went totally psycho bitch via text and voila, he disappeared. It was good while it lasted. In hindsight, all good things do come to an end. There was one other guy that kept popping up. The threesome guy. Yes, I found a very attractive young man that wanted to have a threesome with me and another older woman. We had sex in Nov and it was…not that good. Ever since he has been trying to hook up again, but I don’t really want to. The only problem is, he has my watch! I love that watch. I want it back. So I’m meeting him on Friday, but NO sex.

Once again, my sexual needs started weighing me down. I was still craving sex. Why oh why??  Why could I not go back to being content with my hobbies and work and family? So, what do I do? 4th of January I decided to go back on the ‘dating’ site. This time however, fake name, with email address to match and a fake location. I was not going to be myself. I only wanted sex. Location turned out to be important! Lots of willing men, but too far away. Lots of sexting, but this didn’t quench my appetite. So after a week and 415 messages from various horny old and young men, with some interesting requests and fetishes I should add,  I called it a day again! Closed my account, blocked various people. What’s next?


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How did I get here?

If you’re going through hell, keep going – Winston Churchill

Oct 2015 this is when everything changed. I was happily married with no intentions of ever doing anything to jeopardize my marriage, but even the most solid relationships have acidic issues that can slowly erode the pillars that a relationship is built on.  Our biggest pitfall; sex. Yes, the drive that pulled us towards each other and that kept us going for many years, had slowly diminished to the point that once a year became the norm; then once every two years; then the long  drought of three years.

The Switch

The only way I can describe what happened next is ‘The Switch’. In reality it was a tipping point, but irrespective of that, a switch inside me was turned. I was rejected once too many times. My feelings for my husband was turned off, but a need to find and fulfill my needs were turned on. Little did I know that all my actions would have consequences, mostly emotional. I can honestly say that I was an emotionally stable person. I had many hobbies and kept busy all the time. I never had time to sit down for five minutes. I was confident and sure of myself.

Sex

I decided to find like minded individuals that would be interested in pure NSA sex. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, just physical gratification, or so I thought. I didn’t even think that I was emotionally deprived as well. How could I? You seldom realize what you’re lacking until it presents itself. I was hardly registered on one of these sites when a man sent me a message saying that we seem to be after the same thing. I viewed his profile and I found him attractive. So began my first affair with ‘Rich’. Mr Rich was just that, well off, very comfortable and ‘happily married’ but craving for passion. We started off emailing at first. I became very well versed in sexting, learning as I was going along. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Typing intimate messages to someone you have never met in real life. We booked a hotel room three weeks in advance and so the anticipation of it all started to build up. It was like a drug and I was high; all the time. It consumed my thoughts, my days, my nights. I started loosing weight. I couldn’t sleep anymore. I would get up at 4 am to chat with him. I would go for long walks so we could chat. I was so caught up in the moment. It was exhilarating and exciting and yes, sexually fulfilling. My husband didn’t know. He was on his phone, playing games or watching a movie or series. I would go upstairs early to be alone and he would think nothing of it. I felt so sexy and wanted. I thrived on it. I was losing weight so started to buy new clothes – sexy clothes and lingerie. I didn’t have any, but I wanted to be even more sexy. I took lots of photos for Mr Rich and he returned the favor. I became lost in the fantasy…

Collapse and Confessions

Early November Mr Rich started withdrawing. He was still having sex with his wife and guilt started to eat away at him. I wasn’t feeling any guilt, in fact, I was annoyed by his guilt. How could he just ‘switch off’ like that? Ultimately I had to cancel the hotel booking and everything came crashing down for the first time. I felt devastated, rejected and unwanted again. At this point my husband started noticing the changes. I went out a lot more. It is also on one of these nights that I had my first one night stand with a man 20 years my junior and the first sex in three years. I didn’t plan it, I was a bit drunk and things progressed so quickly. Years of pent up sexual frustration came exploding out of me. I enjoyed it so much and all I could think was, I wanted more.  Following the collapse of my affair with Mr Rich, I started confiding in friends, searching for answers. I also told my husband. I couldn’t lie to him and I wanted out. I tasted freedom and all I could think was, I wanted out. It was a huge shock to him and he became very depressed. I told him he changed too much to accommodate me over the years. He lost his identity just like I lost mine. I reminded him of all the times I asked him why he never touched me, why he never spoke to me anymore. We decided to be separated, but continued to live under the same roof.

Phone Sex

And so my pursuit for sexual gratification drove me to various ‘dating’ sites. Easy hook ups disguised as dating sites. I started talking to a younger man that introduced me to phone sex. I had never even thought of talking dirty to a man on the phone, but it didn’t take long before I was loving it. I loved his voice, like silk stroking my body with his words. I had never been so turned on. We started maybe talking once a week, but one week in November we had a marathon and spoke every night. I would lock myself in my bedroom or sit in my car, or when my husband went out, I would be downstairs in the living room. I couldn’t get enough and I developed feelings for him. He didn’t want to meet me, even though he was only an hour away. This upset me and because it didn’t make me feel wanted or good enough to have real sex with, I tried to sever ties with him. It wasn’t too difficult on that occasion as I  met my catfish in Nov.

Catfish

This episode is the most painful and difficult to write about. I met two men on another site. My catfish and Mr Rocks (he is a singer in a band). Mr Rocks is a sweet man and I still have contact with him. We had sex once, but I couldn’t sleep with him again. Not because it was bad, in fact it was very good, but I felt it could ruin the greatness of the first time. I was in any case too busy with the catfish. He looked amazing (fake pictures), very attractive, nice age, and he wrote me love letters like no man has ever done before, or ever will I suspect. ‘Love’ like that can only exist in fantasy, but I was so naive. I hanged on every word he wrote me. And when he finally returned home, we spoke on the phone for hours. Not phone sex, just life and interests and passions. He told me he loved me beginning of December and even though logic told me this is not possible, I believed every word. I was so happy. He said he wanted to marry me, have children with me, take me on luxurious holidays, show me amazing places he had visited. Just your every day sociopath emotionally messing with his victim. I was blissfully unaware, until the day of our first meeting arrived. I went to the place we agreed to meet and waited. I’m proud of one thing in that I didn’t wait very long before I realized it’s not going to happen. I tried calling him, phone off. I tried again and again as my initial thoughts were, something happened to him. But nothing, no text, no call, nothing. I was absolutely devastated.  Reality came crashing down, and very hard. It wasn’t long before I felt anger. I took to my PC and wrote him a long email. What really hurt me most of all is that I told this man something that only a few people knew about me. When I was 19 and still a virgin, I was raped. Yes, my virginity was taken in the worst possible way.  This is another story for another day, but the fact remained I told him. His response was that he would never let another man hurt me again. So yes, I was angry! The email I sent was full of anger and disbelief at the way he stood me up without a word. That night I received an email from him with a long elaborate very detailed depiction of his visit to the emergency room. He also said that at long last he saw my true colors as I clearly have anger issues. I felt mortified. No logical thoughts that maybe he was lying, but no, I felt bad. I called him and the third time he picked up. I was so apologetic and felt so bad about the email I wrote him. He eventually forgave me and we spoke for hours. This was our thing, we could speak for hours and by hours I mean minimum two and up to four hours. So the affair continued, but now he couldn’t travel any time soon. I did have a period of doubt after this and I started researching things he had told me. For starters I couldn’t find his name or address online. Something seemed off, but by now I was so caught up in his lies and I so wanted him to be real, I started believing. Soon we arranged for our second meeting. He gave me his full address and that’s all we spoke about. What he was going to cook, what we were going to do etc. When I had his address, I decided to find out who lived there. It was Wednesday the 16th of December when I realized that it had all been a lie. It wasn’t his house. He didn’t live there. I confronted him via email, again very upset. I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown and my world once again came crashing down. This time I was emotionally raped. I cried every day till the end of December. I was grieving for the loss of a relationship with a fake man. A liar. A sociopath. I couldn’t trust my instincts again, I couldn’t trust any man again.