New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust


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A slow start

Woke up to the beautiful sound of rain this morning. Heavy rain. I looked outside and the day is grey and white. I love rainy days!

I went on a second date last night. How refreshing to be in the presence of a gentleman. To be called a lady. It’s amazing how when a woman is treated right, her most beautiful side starts to come out.

I feel light today and looking forward to work this week. I’m starting to love my work and what I do again. I can feel the stirrings of passion for my life returning. I’m starting to love this sense of independence and clarity of thought. I don’t want to rush into things. I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of my past. Most of all, I want my daughter to continue growing into the beautiful young girl she is becoming. She is the most important life in my world.

It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.

 


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Why and How

 

Why do people hurt each other? Why do two people who once were as close as can be, all of a sudden say the nastiest things under the sun to each other? Why do I get caught up in an argument that has no point to it but opening old wounds or totally nullifying the connection there once was?

Men are from Mars, woman are from Venus. It’s totally true. Men don’t always understand how emotional woman can be. Let’s face it. A woman feels in every situation. She attaches emotion to everything.  Yes, I guess there are women who can be cold and heartless and use men for their one selfish needs, but I’m most definitely not one of them. I wonder if it will help to say to a man that when most, normal, caring, women, sleeps with you (not a one night stand), she feels something. For me it’s NEVER about physical gratification. I mean, let’s be honest. The female orgasm is not a given like the male orgasm, so surely it’s a given that sex for a woman isn’t about the orgasm.

Why would a man not believe you when you tell him you love him?  Why would a man say things like, I’ll always be there for you, I’ll never leave you, this is not just sex to me, I’m not using you. And then one day, they change their mind. In an instant. I’ll never understand this. And the best is,  the way they remember it from that point onward is that you KNEW. Surely you knew how it would end. Does anybody know how things will end? How anything will end?

This is not a sob story. This is my thoughts and the things I wonder about, because it caused me pain, and frankly, I don’t want to be hurt like that again. So I’ve come up with some solutions from the mistakes I’ve made and how to avoid the pitfalls of love.

  1. Hope. It’s probably the best and worse thing. Never put your “hopes” on a person or “hope” that someone will change or come round. People don’t change. Not really. Actions change. People rarely do.
  2. Don’t be afraid to stick to your standards and morals even if you convince yourself that you’re not doing it because you don’t want to lose somebody. Casual sex is not in my nature. Yes, I’ve had one night stands. It happens. I’m not going to punish myself for it and I know it’s not who I am.
  3. When someone calls you things that you know you’re not, don’t respond. Don’t defend yourself. It’s not going to change anything. Rather, believe them and accept that this is what they always thought of you and nothing you can say in defense will change their minds. The worst thing is, you might say something back which is even nastier and if like me, you have a conscience and you’re not vindictive, it will eat away at you. No, just move one. People that thinks and brings out the worst in you, don’t belong in your life.
  4. Don’t lend  money to someone you’re in love with. I hate money. Unfortunately we all need it to survive. I will suffer and even give my last penny to a friend in need and they’ll never realise the sacrifices I make to do that. It’s difficult going against your nature, but I’ve learned that a grown ass man, should be able to look after himself and not take money from a woman. End of.
  5. Never confuse words with actions or actions with words. If the two don’t agree, then there is something wrong. Trust me. A man can say one thing and do the complete opposite. And to justify this, you are most likely to be blamed for it if it goes tits up. You see, us woman are so good at influencing men. We can literally make them do things they don’t really want to do. Yeah right. That sounds more like a man that can’t stick to his words. Falling around and causing chaos. Don’t get caught up in the confused man’s chaos.
  6. When you’ve been hurt be kind to yourself. I’ve been told to get over it. Get over yourself. And the worst thing is, I take it on-board and think I’m failing at dealing with this. I’m failing. But no. We are all different. We all deal with the shit in our lives differently. Rather, be kind to yourself. Feel the pain, let it out. Heal at your own pace however long it takes and know that it’s perfectly okay for you to feel emotions of hurt, anger and frustration. You are not unstable. You are a human being and on the other side of the healing process is a stronger, happier, wiser you! 🙂

 


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Clair de Lune

moonlight-piano

 

Soft pale moonlight

Filtering through my window

I stare at the black and grey

I get up and make my way to a familiar place

I find it without trying, so well I know it

Soft white, dark black contrast

My mind doesn’t think

My fingers know

I play with the moon shining on my back

Nothing brings more joy to my soul

Chopin, Liszt, Rachmaninoff, Tchaikovsky

And Debussy

Clair de lune by moonlight

Eternal night I wish for

To play and never stop

This way my soul forever content

My thoughts forever at peace


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Controlled

ripped

Happy on the inside

Sad on the inside

Controlled sad

Not consuming me

Not emotionally debilitating.

 

Controlled;

Artificially for now

 

Ripped apart connection

Another scar to live with

 

Controlled sadness aches

A dull ache in the centre

of my being

A cure there is not

Only a control

 

The controlled sense of loss

The logic to recognise that

What’s been lost through this degree of hurt

Can never be recovered again

 

Controlled I live

 

 

 


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Trust

Isn’t it sad how judgemental the world has become. I think it’s an easy trap for anyone to fall into, but when I find myself thinking judging thoughts, I recognise it and STOP. By judging thoughts I mean judging people you don’t know. Trying to rectify the behaviour, psyche, outfit, choice of hairstyle, choice of lifestyle and plenty more of people you don’t know, with your thoughts, even your words if you’re not alone.

I find that I tend to judge because I compare myself to others. This is never a good thing. Comparing your own unique self to anybody else, but it’s a human flaw; one we all suffer from at some point of our lives or sometimes even permanently. It’s a sign of insecurity and lack of self love.

There were several points in my life where I didn’t have any love for myself at all. When I felt like nothing, because of others. This will result in either a blame mentality or a victim mentality. I never made myself feel like nothing. I didn’t do anything to cause this…or did I? That is the key really. To have such a strong love and respect for yourself that nobody has the power to make you feel like nothing. Now, I’m not saying there are no victims. I was a victim of rape. And the repercussions of this is great. What I do know is that there are always two sides to a story. There is always a person with more power than the other in an unhealthy relationship – any relationship that is. Not only romantic.

I don’t claim to be wise, but I’ve experienced a lot. What I can say is that trust is a dangerous thing when it’s placed in the hands of the wrong person. So when you allow another to make you feel unimportant, and you have a healthy self love and respect, it’s usually because you trust that person. Completely. Complete trust can blind just as much as love can. Just today a friend sent me a distressed message saying that something really personal and confidential about her was leaked. Due to this, she’s been harshly judged by others. She already doesn’t have a healthy self love and this has devastated her. All because she trusted the wrong person.

In the end, I am my worst critic. I trusted the wrong people on a couple of occasions. The times I did, I got hurt the most. I got burned. That’s life. No getting round it. Lessons learned. Be careful who you trust. And before you judge, love yourself 🙂 and then love the other person too. We are all unique and different and entitled to our breath in this life.  There is no normal. There is no right or wrong (not including criminal law! :)) of living or loving or being yourself.


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Losing you

losing-you

 

A person I’ll never see again

A person I’ll never hear again

A person I’ll never hug again

A person I’ll never laugh with again

 

One I’ll never go exploring with again

One I’ll never experience the new with again

One I’ll try to forget every day

One I’m forced to sever all ties with, again

 

I didn’t lose him to death

I lost him to life

Would death hurt any less?

Maybe

Maybe not

This is what losing a friend

Feels like


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Happiness

boat

Happiness my old friend!

Where have you been?

So long since I last felt you

 

I dug a hole and

called it Love!

A created a world and

called it You!

I dug a grave and

marked it Me!

 

I closed up the holes

and destroyed a world

 

On an island

A shipwrecked body

Many happy memories

Many bad habits

Countless inner reflections

An infinity of hope

Sails made from happiness

I build my boat

 

This is how I begin again

 

 


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Let it go

convincing-someone-to-love-you

This is my last post for 2016. I want to put this year behind me. I want to let it go.

End of 2015 I met someone. We had a lot in common and yet we were very different. We had a connection and soon a friendship blossomed.

I had the awful catfish experience which I don’t want to go into but this friend supported me through it and helped me to get over it. I was vulnerable. I had experienced emotions with my catfish that I hadn’t experienced ever. I had also rediscovered my sexuality and I was struggling with years and years of pent up frustrations.

The world had changed a lot. I had changed. My twenty years of silence regarding my rape had been broken. I never thought that I suffered. Suffering to me is being abused, being deprived of basic human needs. That is suffering. I don’t see myself as a victim. In fact, I’m a fighter. A survivor. Telling this man about my rape was me opening up. I trusted like a child. I showed him all of me. My soul, my body, my mind. My thoughts, my conflicts.

He became my confidant and best friend. We became intimate and I fell in love. The last time I fell in love was 2002 – 14 years ago. I didn’t know how much the world had changed. That sex was now a way of passing the time. That sex was just sex. To me sex is so much more, especially when the person I’m having sex with is someone I feel a connection with. Someone I call a best friend.

I soon discovered that I was wrong. Sex didn’t mean the same to him than it did to me. I was confused. So confused. I didn’t understand how you could be that close to someone and for them to feel nothing.

So began many arguments. He always insisting that he wasn’t using me when I didn’t understand what the purpose of our relationship was. I was always too scared to lose him, so I would lie to myself and say, I can do this. He will come round. Surely. He is only confused as well and broken and a pessimist.

And now, looking back, I see him for the boy he is. A man wouldn’t have said what he said over and over again, and then kept doing what we did, over and over again. When we spent time together we were great, but as soon as we didn’t see each other, I would be needy and desperate. Two very unattractive characteristics. Two things I know now that will push any man away. But it’s what the neediness and desperation did to me that was so upsetting as well. I would get lost in my emotional turmoil and become this person I hardly recognised.

How could a sensible person like me become so irrational and change my mind so many times? On and on it went. I spent so much money on him. Weekends away, gifts, poems, songs. I even had a poem I wrote for him made into a song for his birthday. I even lend him money.  I became so lost.

What didn’t help my mental health at all is that whenever he tried to end the physical side of our relationship, he always blamed me. He would become so insulting. He would dig into my character. Tell me how I never listen. How tired he was of my emotions. How he didn’t believe how I felt. The kind best friend, would become a monster of blame. It ate away at my self esteem because I respected and trusted him so much, I started believing he must be right. I was doing this all to myself. Initially when the arguments started, I would fight back. Get angry. Say hurtful things too, but I always ended up forgiving him and believing I was wrong. The most confusing aspect of it all is that we always ended up having sex again. Now new arguments were added. I was always coming on to him. I was always seducing him. How could he resist? He can’t help he doesn’t want to be loved. He can’t help he is attracted to me. The blame was always diverted to me.

When this whole cycle began again in Nov, I fell into the depression. Reason? We had once again spent a weekend together. Hardly hours after him leaving for work I text him and I was so happy. I told him that I no longer cared what his intentions were. I knew what mine was and if all we have was like the weekend we just shared, I would be happy. He responded with the same as before. I don’t want more than friendship. I don’t want to sleep with you. This time it broke me. Depression, anxiety, anger, hurt. I just didn’t understand how we could have such a good time and then he tells me that hardly two hours afterwards.

I didn’t see him for two weeks. I was so low. I wanted to die. I wanted to know what is so wrong with me. I wanted to know how my body was good enough, but not the rest of me. I wanted to understand how he could make me feel so loved, but denied loving me. Was he just a good actor? Was he just the modern man? Is this the modern way? Men are allowed to have their way and blame the woman for everything afterwards?

It boils down to this. He never kept his word. He always said he didn’t want to be loved (by me). He didn’t want a relationship (with me). He always said he didn’t want the sex (until the next time we spent time together). I know now that if he really cared about me, even as a friend (best friend), he would have stopped the first time he said he wanted to. That’s what a man would do. That’s what a best friend would do.

In the end, it turned out he found someone else. He literally jumped from my bed into hers. It was the darkest moment for me. The knowledge of the true extent of his betrayal.

I can honestly say that I would never let him touch me again. Why would I? I wouldn’t have let him touch me the beginning of December if I knew he was already in love with another. It is kind of sick in a way. And she thinks she’s won. That this whole thing is her victory. Yes, I’ve had contact with her. And she was so smug and proud of herself and “her man”. I didn’t insult her once. Why would I? She had plenty to say to me. How weak I am. How I might be an over sensitive person. How I need to get out of my cage of suffering. How I should know that men are dickheads and assholes and that they will always take the sex when it’s given so freely. Yet she seems to fail to realise that this is the man she has chosen. A man that repeatedly used a woman for sex under the guise of being her best friend. Wow, he is truly a man to be proud of.

Lessons learned:

When a man says he doesn’t want a relationship, what he means is he doesn’t want a relationship WITH YOU.

When a man says he is not good enough for you, believe it and move on.

When a man says one thing over and over but does another, don’t be confused by it. Don’t let it anger you, turn you into a psycho bitch. Let him go.

When a man says he is not using you and makes YOU feel guilty, he is selfish. Let him go.

When a man says you are his best friend, but you are never called that in front of anyone else, or never meet his other friends, or you are the only one he acknowledges it to, it’s a red flag.  You are not his best friend. My best friends know about each other. They have even met each other. I’ve met their families. If you are his secret, friend, lover, best friend, you are just that. A secret.

I never want to lose my way again because of a man. I do not want to let a man define who I am. I was so lost in 2016. May 2017 be my sober year. A year I can be proud of.

letting-go-is-growing-up

 

 

 

 


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Before 2016

I know 2017 has already started in some parts of the world, but for me it’s still 7 hours away. I’m not going out tonight, in fact I’ve started to enjoy my own company. I listen to my audio books, play games on my xbox (yes, I’m a gamer chick), watch a movie or go for long walks. I love walks enveloped by fog. Makes the world seem mysterious and exciting. Adventure waiting around every bend. It’s the things I don’t see coming, good or bad,  that injects my life with surprises!

And off course, I love writing on my blog. It’s liberating to have a release. To put thoughts on paper and share them. The thoughts I tend to struggle with and that I want to pour out of me, are the negative ones. Hence why my blog can appear to be centered around hurt, pain, unhappiness.

Now, looking back at 2016 it’s almost too easy to get caught up in the negative happenings this year. I’m an optimist by nature, a glass half full kind of person. I’ve been called many bad things this year, by one person in particular, This one person was my lifeline at times, but also the biggest trigger that pushed me into a dark depression again; not once but twice this year.

As an only child, I’m extremely independent and also a bit of a perfectionist. I am my biggest critic. I have spent many hours trying to understand how I let the events of this year affect me in such a myriad of ways. How my emotions became so unstable, like a small little sailboat, in the middle of the ocean, with no way of fighting the storms and winds that hit me. Yes, the sun shone and there were peace at times, but the storm always returned.

Looking inside with the help of meditation and desperate to find answers, I looked at my timeline and realised that I was a ticking bomb that exploded in 2016.

1987 – 1992 high school.  I was bullied and very much a loner. I was content though. I would much rather read than go out. I devoured books. Any topic, fiction, non-fiction. I had and still have such a wide range of interests. I had many dreams and decided to study medicine.

1993 – 1997 university. My dreams of becoming a doctor didn’t work out. I discovered freedom and the social joys of being a student. Far away from home where nobody knew me; I could be myself without any pre-existing opinions and judgments from my fellow students. I studied microbiology instead.

The turning point came when I was raped. A large part of my hopes and dreams of meeting a special man and having a happily married life and children, changed that day. I had only discovered boys shortly before I was raped. I had my first kiss when I was 19.

In 1996 I met my first husband, two years after my rape. I fell in love. It happened fast. So quick. I thought, this is it. I wanted to be loved and he definitely obliged. He was a gentle man. For a year or two everything was great. It was a long distance relationship.

1998 – 2004 My first husband proposed in 1999 when we finally started living in the same town. At this point I had started working already and was a manager with a lot of potential to climb even higher on the corporate ladder. I ended up in finance as work in microbiology was scarce at that point in time. My then fiance, was freshly out of university. We had grown at different speeds and in different ways. My intuition told me that we were no longer that perfect match I thought we were, but I kept ignoring it. My body must have tried to warn me too as I started having panic attacks. Pretty severe ones. For no apparent reason. I thought the rape was well behind me. I was embarking on a new life. I was doing very well career wise. What is causing this?

We were married in 2000 and divorced in 2001. I was on anti depressants. I had also met someone at work that I was very attracted to. So I went straight from a failed marriage into an affair. It was very physical. Not a lot of emotional ties there. Not a lot in common. I guess in hindsight, your typical rebound. I was having fun I thought.

2006 – 2015 baby years. In 2006 I fell pregnant and we decided to get married. I was three months pregnant when I said “I do” for the second time. High on pregnancy hormones and dreams of a little baby, I was happy. I never thought I could get pregnant. Then the birth. It was like being raped again. The way I was physically hurt, it hurt me in almost exactly the same way I was hurt before. Nothing could prepare me for this. How was I to know that childbirth would rewind my body back to the darkest period of my life.

It took about a month for my maternal instinct to kick in. I was too hurt and scared. But when it did, I was right as rain, I thought. The next 8 years was dedicated to my daughter. I gave her all my love, attention, time, energy. My husband did the same. We drifted apart. We hardly spent any time alone. We were exhausted. We lost each other. We couldn’t have sex. We had so little in common, apart from our daughter, that “conversations” were either disagreements or sitting next to each other on our phones.

At the end of 2015 I remembered that I was a person. I had needs. So many. I neglected my emotional needs to the point where I didn’t even know I had emotions or desires. I didn’t know who I was. All I knew was that I was more than just a mother

 

 

 

 

 


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Dicksand

Last night after a long chat with an old friend and an unexpected call from another in the USA, I didn’t feel like sleeping at all. So, 12 midnight I decided I’ll watch a movie. I’m not usually a fan of silly, unrealistic movies about love and relationships, but decided to watch “How to be single”. Wouldn’t take a lot of brain energy to watch and I was hoping it would make me sleepy and/or I will fall asleep watching it.

It has the usual love & relationship themes that a lot of Hollywood movies deploy and re-explore from different angles, but one thing stuck with me.

SPOILER ALERT – if you want to watch this film, don’t continue reading

One of the messages of the film is that you can lose sight of who you are when you get caught up in love or the illusion of love. This phenomenon is described as “dicksand” in the movie. One girl accuses the other of falling into this guys dicksand whenever he is near and then completely forgetting what she actually wants or needs. She realises that her friend is right when an old boyfriend comes back to her and claims that he misses her. They almost have sex, but he makes the mistake of telling her that he is engaged to be married, but because he misses her, he is not sure what to do.  This prompts her to have a sobering moment and she stops things from progressing as she realises he is only looking for one last f**k. Now this is a good guy. He comes across as that typical good guy and you view his intentions as good. It’s like the movie draws you in to fall into his dicksand too. But then you realise, like she does, that even the best of guys have the potential to act selfishly, especially in the heat of the moment.

I fell into dicksand. Many times this year. A good guy. I trusted him so completely. Then, he had sex with me little more than a week before declaring his undying love and future with another girl. So I think back to this scene in the movie. The only difference, the guy in the movie told the girl he was engaged and she stopped.. My good guy said nothing. I didn’t even know he was looking or involved with anyone else.  Scary…is a relationship that starts like that ever going to work? Well, I guess it depends on the girl and the behaviour she is comfortable accepting. I lost sight of what I want and need. The dicksand got me.

Now, I have been talking to someone for a very long time and even more so recently.  We have become closer and when I admitted my dark thoughts and negativity to him, he didn’t reject me or try to change me, or try to advise me. Something he said to me meant more to me than I ever thought possible. I have never befriended a man that didn’t want to have sex with me. I am a very sexy, sensual woman. Not spoken out of vanity. I just am what I am. When this man said he would rather spend hours talking to me than engage in sex with me, it was one of those KA-CHING moments. To be valued for more than my physical appearance, it means so much to me.

I don’t overthink things anymore. No use. I’m in the now. Living, enjoying, being happy.

This man’s words reminded me of what I’m worth and not to get lost in the dicksand again. I need a man that can see beyond the physical me.