New Beginnings

Emotional roller-coaster of love and lust

Category Archives: Happiness


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A slow start

Woke up to the beautiful sound of rain this morning. Heavy rain. I looked outside and the day is grey and white. I love rainy days!

I went on a second date last night. How refreshing to be in the presence of a gentleman. To be called a lady. It’s amazing how when a woman is treated right, her most beautiful side starts to come out.

I feel light today and looking forward to work this week. I’m starting to love my work and what I do again. I can feel the stirrings of passion for my life returning. I’m starting to love this sense of independence and clarity of thought. I don’t want to rush into things. I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of my past. Most of all, I want my daughter to continue growing into the beautiful young girl she is becoming. She is the most important life in my world.

It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.

 


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Why and How

 

Why do people hurt each other? Why do two people who once were as close as can be, all of a sudden say the nastiest things under the sun to each other? Why do I get caught up in an argument that has no point to it but opening old wounds or totally nullifying the connection there once was?

Men are from Mars, woman are from Venus. It’s totally true. Men don’t always understand how emotional woman can be. Let’s face it. A woman feels in every situation. She attaches emotion to everything.  Yes, I guess there are women who can be cold and heartless and use men for their one selfish needs, but I’m most definitely not one of them. I wonder if it will help to say to a man that when most, normal, caring, women, sleeps with you (not a one night stand), she feels something. For me it’s NEVER about physical gratification. I mean, let’s be honest. The female orgasm is not a given like the male orgasm, so surely it’s a given that sex for a woman isn’t about the orgasm.

Why would a man not believe you when you tell him you love him?  Why would a man say things like, I’ll always be there for you, I’ll never leave you, this is not just sex to me, I’m not using you. And then one day, they change their mind. In an instant. I’ll never understand this. And the best is,  the way they remember it from that point onward is that you KNEW. Surely you knew how it would end. Does anybody know how things will end? How anything will end?

This is not a sob story. This is my thoughts and the things I wonder about, because it caused me pain, and frankly, I don’t want to be hurt like that again. So I’ve come up with some solutions from the mistakes I’ve made and how to avoid the pitfalls of love.

  1. Hope. It’s probably the best and worse thing. Never put your “hopes” on a person or “hope” that someone will change or come round. People don’t change. Not really. Actions change. People rarely do.
  2. Don’t be afraid to stick to your standards and morals even if you convince yourself that you’re not doing it because you don’t want to lose somebody. Casual sex is not in my nature. Yes, I’ve had one night stands. It happens. I’m not going to punish myself for it and I know it’s not who I am.
  3. When someone calls you things that you know you’re not, don’t respond. Don’t defend yourself. It’s not going to change anything. Rather, believe them and accept that this is what they always thought of you and nothing you can say in defense will change their minds. The worst thing is, you might say something back which is even nastier and if like me, you have a conscience and you’re not vindictive, it will eat away at you. No, just move one. People that thinks and brings out the worst in you, don’t belong in your life.
  4. Don’t lend  money to someone you’re in love with. I hate money. Unfortunately we all need it to survive. I will suffer and even give my last penny to a friend in need and they’ll never realise the sacrifices I make to do that. It’s difficult going against your nature, but I’ve learned that a grown ass man, should be able to look after himself and not take money from a woman. End of.
  5. Never confuse words with actions or actions with words. If the two don’t agree, then there is something wrong. Trust me. A man can say one thing and do the complete opposite. And to justify this, you are most likely to be blamed for it if it goes tits up. You see, us woman are so good at influencing men. We can literally make them do things they don’t really want to do. Yeah right. That sounds more like a man that can’t stick to his words. Falling around and causing chaos. Don’t get caught up in the confused man’s chaos.
  6. When you’ve been hurt be kind to yourself. I’ve been told to get over it. Get over yourself. And the worst thing is, I take it on-board and think I’m failing at dealing with this. I’m failing. But no. We are all different. We all deal with the shit in our lives differently. Rather, be kind to yourself. Feel the pain, let it out. Heal at your own pace however long it takes and know that it’s perfectly okay for you to feel emotions of hurt, anger and frustration. You are not unstable. You are a human being and on the other side of the healing process is a stronger, happier, wiser you! 🙂

 


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Clair de Lune

moonlight-piano

 

Soft pale moonlight

Filtering through my window

I stare at the black and grey

I get up and make my way to a familiar place

I find it without trying, so well I know it

Soft white, dark black contrast

My mind doesn’t think

My fingers know

I play with the moon shining on my back

Nothing brings more joy to my soul

Chopin, Liszt, Rachmaninoff, Tchaikovsky

And Debussy

Clair de lune by moonlight

Eternal night I wish for

To play and never stop

This way my soul forever content

My thoughts forever at peace


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Trust

Isn’t it sad how judgemental the world has become. I think it’s an easy trap for anyone to fall into, but when I find myself thinking judging thoughts, I recognise it and STOP. By judging thoughts I mean judging people you don’t know. Trying to rectify the behaviour, psyche, outfit, choice of hairstyle, choice of lifestyle and plenty more of people you don’t know, with your thoughts, even your words if you’re not alone.

I find that I tend to judge because I compare myself to others. This is never a good thing. Comparing your own unique self to anybody else, but it’s a human flaw; one we all suffer from at some point of our lives or sometimes even permanently. It’s a sign of insecurity and lack of self love.

There were several points in my life where I didn’t have any love for myself at all. When I felt like nothing, because of others. This will result in either a blame mentality or a victim mentality. I never made myself feel like nothing. I didn’t do anything to cause this…or did I? That is the key really. To have such a strong love and respect for yourself that nobody has the power to make you feel like nothing. Now, I’m not saying there are no victims. I was a victim of rape. And the repercussions of this is great. What I do know is that there are always two sides to a story. There is always a person with more power than the other in an unhealthy relationship – any relationship that is. Not only romantic.

I don’t claim to be wise, but I’ve experienced a lot. What I can say is that trust is a dangerous thing when it’s placed in the hands of the wrong person. So when you allow another to make you feel unimportant, and you have a healthy self love and respect, it’s usually because you trust that person. Completely. Complete trust can blind just as much as love can. Just today a friend sent me a distressed message saying that something really personal and confidential about her was leaked. Due to this, she’s been harshly judged by others. She already doesn’t have a healthy self love and this has devastated her. All because she trusted the wrong person.

In the end, I am my worst critic. I trusted the wrong people on a couple of occasions. The times I did, I got hurt the most. I got burned. That’s life. No getting round it. Lessons learned. Be careful who you trust. And before you judge, love yourself 🙂 and then love the other person too. We are all unique and different and entitled to our breath in this life.  There is no normal. There is no right or wrong (not including criminal law! :)) of living or loving or being yourself.


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Happiness

boat

Happiness my old friend!

Where have you been?

So long since I last felt you

 

I dug a hole and

called it Love!

A created a world and

called it You!

I dug a grave and

marked it Me!

 

I closed up the holes

and destroyed a world

 

On an island

A shipwrecked body

Many happy memories

Many bad habits

Countless inner reflections

An infinity of hope

Sails made from happiness

I build my boat

 

This is how I begin again

 

 


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Time travel

I’m a dreamer. Always have been. Today I was daydreaming about time travel and going back in time. How extraordinary it would be to meet and speak to anyone of my choice.

Here’s a list of my top ten people and what I would ask each one of them.

Nikola Tesla- Tell me about energy

Edgar Allan Poe – Tell me about love

Ludwig Van Beethoven – Tell me about music

Ernst Hemingway – Tell me about writing

Alexander the Great – Tell me about courage and discipline

Mother Teresa – Tell me about compassion

Margaret Garner – Tell me about suffering

Friedrich Nietzsche – Tell me about death

Aristotle – Tell me about happiness

Helen Keller – Tell me about miracles

And then, if I may, I would like to hold my hand up against the hand of Sergei Rachmaninoff to see how much bigger his hand is than mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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Before 2016

I know 2017 has already started in some parts of the world, but for me it’s still 7 hours away. I’m not going out tonight, in fact I’ve started to enjoy my own company. I listen to my audio books, play games on my xbox (yes, I’m a gamer chick), watch a movie or go for long walks. I love walks enveloped by fog. Makes the world seem mysterious and exciting. Adventure waiting around every bend. It’s the things I don’t see coming, good or bad,  that injects my life with surprises!

And off course, I love writing on my blog. It’s liberating to have a release. To put thoughts on paper and share them. The thoughts I tend to struggle with and that I want to pour out of me, are the negative ones. Hence why my blog can appear to be centered around hurt, pain, unhappiness.

Now, looking back at 2016 it’s almost too easy to get caught up in the negative happenings this year. I’m an optimist by nature, a glass half full kind of person. I’ve been called many bad things this year, by one person in particular, This one person was my lifeline at times, but also the biggest trigger that pushed me into a dark depression again; not once but twice this year.

As an only child, I’m extremely independent and also a bit of a perfectionist. I am my biggest critic. I have spent many hours trying to understand how I let the events of this year affect me in such a myriad of ways. How my emotions became so unstable, like a small little sailboat, in the middle of the ocean, with no way of fighting the storms and winds that hit me. Yes, the sun shone and there were peace at times, but the storm always returned.

Looking inside with the help of meditation and desperate to find answers, I looked at my timeline and realised that I was a ticking bomb that exploded in 2016.

1987 – 1992 high school.  I was bullied and very much a loner. I was content though. I would much rather read than go out. I devoured books. Any topic, fiction, non-fiction. I had and still have such a wide range of interests. I had many dreams and decided to study medicine.

1993 – 1997 university. My dreams of becoming a doctor didn’t work out. I discovered freedom and the social joys of being a student. Far away from home where nobody knew me; I could be myself without any pre-existing opinions and judgments from my fellow students. I studied microbiology instead.

The turning point came when I was raped. A large part of my hopes and dreams of meeting a special man and having a happily married life and children, changed that day. I had only discovered boys shortly before I was raped. I had my first kiss when I was 19.

In 1996 I met my first husband, two years after my rape. I fell in love. It happened fast. So quick. I thought, this is it. I wanted to be loved and he definitely obliged. He was a gentle man. For a year or two everything was great. It was a long distance relationship.

1998 – 2004 My first husband proposed in 1999 when we finally started living in the same town. At this point I had started working already and was a manager with a lot of potential to climb even higher on the corporate ladder. I ended up in finance as work in microbiology was scarce at that point in time. My then fiance, was freshly out of university. We had grown at different speeds and in different ways. My intuition told me that we were no longer that perfect match I thought we were, but I kept ignoring it. My body must have tried to warn me too as I started having panic attacks. Pretty severe ones. For no apparent reason. I thought the rape was well behind me. I was embarking on a new life. I was doing very well career wise. What is causing this?

We were married in 2000 and divorced in 2001. I was on anti depressants. I had also met someone at work that I was very attracted to. So I went straight from a failed marriage into an affair. It was very physical. Not a lot of emotional ties there. Not a lot in common. I guess in hindsight, your typical rebound. I was having fun I thought.

2006 – 2015 baby years. In 2006 I fell pregnant and we decided to get married. I was three months pregnant when I said “I do” for the second time. High on pregnancy hormones and dreams of a little baby, I was happy. I never thought I could get pregnant. Then the birth. It was like being raped again. The way I was physically hurt, it hurt me in almost exactly the same way I was hurt before. Nothing could prepare me for this. How was I to know that childbirth would rewind my body back to the darkest period of my life.

It took about a month for my maternal instinct to kick in. I was too hurt and scared. But when it did, I was right as rain, I thought. The next 8 years was dedicated to my daughter. I gave her all my love, attention, time, energy. My husband did the same. We drifted apart. We hardly spent any time alone. We were exhausted. We lost each other. We couldn’t have sex. We had so little in common, apart from our daughter, that “conversations” were either disagreements or sitting next to each other on our phones.

At the end of 2015 I remembered that I was a person. I had needs. So many. I neglected my emotional needs to the point where I didn’t even know I had emotions or desires. I didn’t know who I was. All I knew was that I was more than just a mother

 

 

 

 

 


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Sober

Just when I think I know,  I have another sobering moment tonight. I have learned yet again that assumption is the mother of all f**kups. I don’t like to swear on my blog, but this is what my very first manager and mentor used to say to me. And boy, was she right.

Have you ever thought someone was beautiful, young, full of life and promise? You look at her and think, I wish I was her? You assume that she is this perfect creature. Until you see what’s underneath all of it. I assumed I was the loser in many ways.

My view of the world is that no person is better than another. No matter what your class, colour, religion or upbringing. I don’t think I’m better than anyone. In fact I see my faults, I know them well. We all need to breath to live. We shall all die. We are unified by this.

We can’t all like each other. It’s impossible. Diversity is the spice of life. We all have our pasts and our stories and moments that made us what we are. Events that formed us, molded us. No person can claim to truly know another. We have thoughts that will always remain just that. Our thoughts alone. I write about my hurt and thoughts on here, but I can assure you, you only see a part of me. This is not all of who and what I am.

A lot of people try to control others. And when they do, they have power. I know when one person in a relationship has more power than the other, it is set to fail. A relationship is a partnership. Co-pilots.  I know that a lot of woman and men are weak. They don’t believe in themselves, so they are easily controlled by others. Sometimes they know they’re allowing it, sometimes they are blissfully unaware. Some thrive on it because growing up and taking control of their lives is just too difficult or they don’t posses the life skills to do it so they seek the controlling partners out.

Tonight I learned yet again not to assume. That things may appear to be perfect, when in fact, they are far from it.

I am humbled and grateful for the person I am. Not because I think I’m better. Because I don’t seek to control or be controlled.

 

 

 


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Dicksand

Last night after a long chat with an old friend and an unexpected call from another in the USA, I didn’t feel like sleeping at all. So, 12 midnight I decided I’ll watch a movie. I’m not usually a fan of silly, unrealistic movies about love and relationships, but decided to watch “How to be single”. Wouldn’t take a lot of brain energy to watch and I was hoping it would make me sleepy and/or I will fall asleep watching it.

It has the usual love & relationship themes that a lot of Hollywood movies deploy and re-explore from different angles, but one thing stuck with me.

SPOILER ALERT – if you want to watch this film, don’t continue reading

One of the messages of the film is that you can lose sight of who you are when you get caught up in love or the illusion of love. This phenomenon is described as “dicksand” in the movie. One girl accuses the other of falling into this guys dicksand whenever he is near and then completely forgetting what she actually wants or needs. She realises that her friend is right when an old boyfriend comes back to her and claims that he misses her. They almost have sex, but he makes the mistake of telling her that he is engaged to be married, but because he misses her, he is not sure what to do.  This prompts her to have a sobering moment and she stops things from progressing as she realises he is only looking for one last f**k. Now this is a good guy. He comes across as that typical good guy and you view his intentions as good. It’s like the movie draws you in to fall into his dicksand too. But then you realise, like she does, that even the best of guys have the potential to act selfishly, especially in the heat of the moment.

I fell into dicksand. Many times this year. A good guy. I trusted him so completely. Then, he had sex with me little more than a week before declaring his undying love and future with another girl. So I think back to this scene in the movie. The only difference, the guy in the movie told the girl he was engaged and she stopped.. My good guy said nothing. I didn’t even know he was looking or involved with anyone else.  Scary…is a relationship that starts like that ever going to work? Well, I guess it depends on the girl and the behaviour she is comfortable accepting. I lost sight of what I want and need. The dicksand got me.

Now, I have been talking to someone for a very long time and even more so recently.  We have become closer and when I admitted my dark thoughts and negativity to him, he didn’t reject me or try to change me, or try to advise me. Something he said to me meant more to me than I ever thought possible. I have never befriended a man that didn’t want to have sex with me. I am a very sexy, sensual woman. Not spoken out of vanity. I just am what I am. When this man said he would rather spend hours talking to me than engage in sex with me, it was one of those KA-CHING moments. To be valued for more than my physical appearance, it means so much to me.

I don’t overthink things anymore. No use. I’m in the now. Living, enjoying, being happy.

This man’s words reminded me of what I’m worth and not to get lost in the dicksand again. I need a man that can see beyond the physical me.