I came across an old email by chance today. It brought back memories of a time lost; or that’s how it feels now…but can time really be lost? No. Every moment of my life brought me to where I am right now. Take any of it away and things won’t be exactly as they are now. How can you appreciate the warmth of the summer sun, if you didn’t endure and survive the bitter cold of the winter first?
it was winter when I first felt love again
my awakening new
but ’tis was not love
it was hope and promise
winter became spring
and spring, summer
sweet wind blew
and we were
scorched by the summer sun,
cooled by the autumn rain
a harvest of discontent
and ruby blood stained the
bright white snow
snow melted slow and painful
little bits of me
melting away too
an echo remained
one from far away
a voice calling me home
home; place of rest
place of peace and comfort
place of safety
dwelling of tranquillity
a heart, bigger than mine
I didn’t know…
I didn’t know
how could I?
is it always unexpected?
sweet spring blooms
in my heart
I want to cherish it
I want to hold it dear
a beautiful flower
unfolding in the warmth
of the loving sun’s arms
love, passion, want, feeling complete, feeling cherished and special
I went out Friday night, dinner and dancing. Bottle of red, cocktails, happy drunk. I don’t drink often. I also know my limits. Happy drunk is the perfect point between too little and too much 🙂
Kissing in a dark corner of the club. Dancing to 90s rock and singing along to songs from my younger days, till I had no voice left. Just a big happy smile.
How I longed to be with someone that will take me dancing. I love dancing, I love music.
And I found him. Tall, big, manly man that makes me feel tiny in his arms. Twirling me, dipping me, kissing me, loving me.
Lazy Saturday, sleeping, cuddling, just being. Laughing… a lot! Every time he makes me laugh, I want to melt into him. The way he holds my stare for minutes on end. Beautiful brown eyed boy with perfect lips, perfect nose. I see the love in his eyes. I feel the love in his kiss. He makes me feel sensual, sexy, alive. How I wish I could bottle this feeling. I’d be a millionaire.
After what seems like a lifetime, I’m back. No words came to me, but once again they woke my slumber. I feel as if I’ve woken from a long sleep filled with some nightmares, but mostly quiet peaceful reflective rest. The question to one of my biggest worries has been answered and I’m truly present once more.
I’m hungry for rejuvenation. I’m content in my own skin. I’m happy with those I have in my life right now. I want for nothing but to fill the paths I cross with happiness.
I see, I feel, I touch, I share, I regret no more. I am normal…within my normal.
Maybe it’s the beautiful cent of spring blossoms in the air. Maybe it’s the promise of life that spring brings. Mostly it’s forgiving myself for my past…truly forgiving myself.
I have wondered many many many times what love is. What is it really? How do you know you love, truly love, someone.
I found the answer in my daughter. You see, I’m very certain, with her more than any other person, that I love her. I look back and try to see how this love came about.
First, there was the bond or connection. It wasn’t love it was a bond. A child / mother bond. Seeing this little helpless baby, so dependent on you, you start to care. I cared about her needs. I fulfilled her needs. Then she started becoming more dependent. First walking, then running! I had to give her room to explore and discover things for herself. She then developed her own thoughts and her own mind. She started making choices. I guided, but never forced. I explained or let her see the consequences of actions. Be it good actions or bad. I made sure she understood respect from a young age. I built foundations for her. Foundations she can turn to when I’m not around. I taught her about courage when faced with difficult situations. I support her. I don’t know at which point I loved her, but it wasn’t something I had to think about. I just know.
Therefore, love is to me:
A sense of being needed
A place where there is space for yourself to be yourself
An emotion built on strong foundations of respect & trust
A gift of unconditional support
A feeling that grows over time, without working at it, or trying to create it.
Love happens slowly. Lust happens fast.
Once you truly love someone, it’s almost impossible to stop.