I’m good at helping people. I always have been. I’d like to think I encourage others, or used to at least.
Now it’s I who need encouragement. There is such a big difference between encouraging and trying to change a person.
I am very much misunderstood in that regard. When others try to tell me what to do, I block, I withdraw, I isolate. Maybe I’m stubborn. Maybe when you already think so little of yourself and someone points out how you need to change, it doesn’t encourage, it destroys.
There is not much left of my self image. I seem to lose little bits of it every day. More so recently than other times. It’s the many times I have been reminded that what I’ve invested in, I’m not good enough for. What I’ve given, is not enough. What if you gave everything you have and exposed yourself and made yourself vulnerable, only to be told you’re not special enough, not right enough. What then? You start to doubt yourself. Every time it happens, you doubt a bit more, until you doubt everything about yourself.
I’m building myself up from nothing. I know I’ll get there. I sometimes wish and hope for someone to hold my hand and help me through it. But that’s life. We are ultimately alone in it. So tougher than ever is how I will come out the other end.
Please encourage each other.